Lost My Mind

Am I in your head half as often as you’re on my mind? Maybe I’m just too tired to keep trying…

The words echoed in my mind like a drum. “Stop. Please. Just stop. I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t. It’s too hard.” I whisper to myself at 3:00 am on a Sunday morning. I’m so empty and numb that it’s terrifying. I don’t feel anything anymore. I just wish I could feel something. Thousands of nights I lay in bed, staring at a blank wall, alone. Always alone.

You see, that’s why people harm themselves. They just want to feel something, even if it is only for a few seconds. Those 4 seconds when the blood drips down your skin; those 4 seconds when the cigarette begins to burn your flesh… That’s it. Even if it is only for 4 seconds, at least I feel something. It’s the control aspect of it. Everything around you is falling apart, so at least I can be in control of something.

I’ve learned that it’s not my place to save people. I can’t save everyone. Hell, I can’t even save myself…

Waves

I don’t want to be heard, I want to be listened to.

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“It comes and goes in waves. It comes and goes in waves. It carries us away.”

These three lines Dean Lewis wrote hit so close to home every single time I hear it. When the love of my life committed suicide, this was exactly how the pain felt. It hit me in waves, and it hurt like hell. I loved and I loved and I lost him. (Hurts Like Hell by Fleurie.) I cannot begin to describe how many times I felt like I could’ve stopped him if I had made the call five seconds sooner. But I didn’t. And that’s just something I have to deal with. I loved this guy with all of my heart. I don’t think I’ll ever feel like that for someone again. I let him break down my walls, and when he died, they shot up faster than ever before. Now I have shut myself down. No one needs to know how I’m doing. I’ll smile, so they think I’m fine… because I am fine, right? Or is that just what I tell myself to help me sleep at night? Either way, no one needs to know. Anyways, that’s all for today.

-S